Hello, lovelies. I apologize for missing about a month worth of posts, but life just got in the way... I want to post something persona...

When Life Gets in the Way...

Thursday, October 01, 2015 Kotryna Fijalkauskaite 0 Comments

Hello, lovelies.
I apologize for missing about a month worth of posts, but life just got in the way...
I want to post something personal, and not cheerful, but I feel like I just need to talk about it.

Cancer....

Last week my family was hit with the news that my grandmother has stomach cancer. Furthermore, it has metastasized into her lungs, making it extra dangerous to treat.
It would be the understatement of the decade to say that it took my by surprise. I am still in utter devastation and shock, and disbelief.

My grandmother is the healthiest person I know - even doctors marveled at how all her blood-work is akin to that of a 20 year old. Even now that the prognosis seems bleak at best, she is not experiencing any symptoms that would be otherwise connected to her condition.
She's lost a lot of weight, and is tired more so than usual, but doesn't let it get in her way - for her staying at home and doing nothing is torture, and she tries to get out of the house as often as possible, even if it is to take out the garbage.

All that considered I was convinced that it couldn't be anything serious. Got proven wrong - not that I wanted to be.

Honestly, I never thought I would have to deal with this kind of news. No family history of any serious illnesses, not to mention that my grandma is the picture of health. All I keep asking is 'Why?!'
Why the hell (pardon the language)?!

My grandma had a tough life - an orphan at 8, took care of her little brother, supported herself by tutoring other kids. But she didn't stray and finished school at 16, then university at 20 and became a teacher.

 She helped so many young people get on the right track, start their lives on the right now.

To me, she is my idol.
She taught me all school-related subjects before I even knew what school was - I already could read on my own by the time I was 3 years old.
Not only that, she taught me kindness and understanding - her students never felt that she was just their teacher and that they didn't matter.

She took care of every one of them, sometimes being the friend they need to talk to about their issues, sometimes the strict, yet loving parent that taught them how to live and learn with pride and joy.

When someone couldn't afford to buy lunch, she paid for them. When a child couldn't afford season-appropriate clothes for Autumn and Winter, she collected clothes from us, her friends, and even bought some, in order to make sure that child did not get sick and felt comfortable and taken care of.

So why her? When there are so many evil people in this world, why is a person, who gave so much goodness and kindness to everyone she met, pulled through such terrible ordeal?

It's been about two months now, and since then I've moved away to London for work. I struggle to this day with my decision... She told me she wants me to find happiness, and I know her well enough to know that if I stayed, she'd only feel guilty for 'keeping me'.

But I can't stop tearing up every time I think about the fact that I'm not there for her. My grandma always took care of me, always. Now that she's going through this horrible ordeal I am not there for her...and sure, she's got my mom and sister, grandpa and my aunt, but we always shared a special kind of bond and I feel terrible for being away.

At the same time I want to find my path, I want to achieve great things - I want her to be proud of me. I want to show her that she raised a good person...

I try to remain strong, but every now and then I just burst into tears when I think about my childhood and all the happy, careless days I spent with my grandma.

I have no idea how to deal with this situation, I have no idea what to say to her other than 'stay strong'...I feel lost, miserable and furious (all the 5 stages in one I suppose)..I sometimes wish that I could close my eyes really tightly and turn back the clock...

Honestly, I tried writing posts, but nothing came up. After getting hit with these news everything else kind of took a seat in the back row - I know it's there, but I can't really see or hear anything. My mind is a great mess right now, and I'm not sure where to start sorting it out..

I am trying to get back on my feet, my new job kind of makes me do that. Hopefully I'll get back to my blog soon..

I am not a religious person, but if You are I want to ask for a favor - pray for my grandma. Whoever you are, wherever you are, just a drop of positive energy makes a difference...

Thank you

XoXo,
         Specs

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